Whatsapp, a.k.a Wasop or Wazzap or Wosap, is a lovely platform that heightens interactivity. Don’t you just love how people you gave your number start texting you, even when you do not like them enough to get chatsy?

Phone screens embolden us to vent words we dare not speak, and so people have the liver to text unfortunate words at us. Unlike other social media platforms that give you anonymity, you are careful what you use as updates. (For the fear of being disinherited, you can’t afford to let your family know if you really think Blue is the Warmest Colour.)

Based on “research”, I have compiled a list of different kinds of people on your Whatsapp list. Here they are:

Broadcasters
Once upon a time, some of these broadcasters chided us saying, “You press phone too much.” You have headache and next thing: “Why won’t you have headache when you are always pressing phone?” They have discovered the amazing wonders of “Wosap” and they no longer badger us for pressing phones. Nowadays, they send broadcast messages you probably do not read.

 The other kinds of these broadcasters are just disgusting. We are so pissed at them that we have blocked them. Like, how are you less than forty and sending broadcast messages? Je ne comprende pas.

Morality Prefects
These people are from your religious centre, or probably that relative. They want to police your updates. “Dave, why are you wearing earring?” “Lisa, your cleavage is showing too much.” You make a Facebook update and type “sex”, and they ask you why you typed that vulgar word. They even preach to you. It’s not as though they do not fornicate or commit adultery. Lemme jus’ kip chot and face front. Mhmm!

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That Annoying Fellow
It could be that guy or girl that has been trying to date you since 1769. They do not understand that pestering someone is not seductive. (Sigh) People are not even patient enough to seduce people. No! They will thrust the concept of romance in your face until it feels as though it were a bad stench. They probably text risqué stuff at you that pisses you off.

Evangelists
These people will send you broadcast messages from scripture according to whatever religion they practice. This reminds me of that married man that wanted to fornicate with me. Uncle was sending religious broadcast messages, o. (Laughs in wickedness.)

Ndi Sup
Out of nowhere, they text you “to check up on you”. Their texts mostly come at that exact time you do not want to have human interaction. They probably want something from you. “A toad does not run in daylight for nothing.”

Sometimes it is a delight reading their texts. That is if you really do like them. You two get to chat as if nothing changed. You probably miss(ed) them.

Amebo
They share links from different news site or social media platforms. They could be exhausting, really. Like, Shaquisha, I ain’t openin’ these links you be sendin’ me. Sometimes, they send stuff that is beneficial to you.

Slayonce
These boys and girls can change DP (display picture) for Africa! Everything they do, they must snap. You do not need to ask what they are doing with their lives: they have already given you info. Very narcissistic bunch! Their social media profile is the shrine they have built to worship their egos.

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Business Partners/Colleagues
It’s just work, work, work, work, work, work. They have sane stuff to tell you. Except you two are friendsly, you do not get to chat much. Reminds me of Aristotle’s “Friendship of Utility”.

Snobs
They are never the first to text you. If they manage to text you, it is because they need or want something from you. The times you text them, they reply after ten million years.

Le Crush
A notification from them and your perfidious heart becomes a ballerina: it does ten fouettes, leaps into an amazing jete, and crashes off stage avec un bang. That is how pathetic it is. Because you are a proud someone, you stall before replying the text. That does not mean they do not have your mumu button. Ordinary text that you should send, you become clueless – you lose your ability to sew words together to make a coherent sentence. If you have such a person on your Whatsapp list, receive strength. Like other crushes, it will fizzle out soon.

There are more, but as I stated earlier, this is the top ten. There is no way you would not have at least about five of these people on your list. It gets more interesting that you might be one of these people. If you are, all I can tell you is this: be nicer in 2018.

P.S. There are “Matured People”, too. They hardly change DP or status. Is there an award somewhere? Also, we have our close pals. We text them every day: there is always gist or someone (or something) to hate on together. That is what besties do: throw shade at people together and laugh in wickedness. If love does not bring us together, hate will.

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Written by Cisi Eze

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